Hannah (noneedofcrepe) wrote in fandomcommerce,

Gift for: harmonykat

harmonykat , your gift has been submitted. Enjoy and thanks for being the spokeswoman for bugging me to post. Someone has to do it.

Title: Thief
Recipient's LJ name:
Word Count:
Some rude language
Authors notes:
I hope it's to your liking :D I apologize for the...insanity? I wasn't on crack or something when I wrote it, I promise.

It would not shut up.

She would not have a problem with it if it was a quiet singing-dancing Santa. Perhaps one that sang carols in a whisper. Maybe one that just didn't talk at all but pretended to talk. Maybe it was better just to have a stationary Santa. One that didn't do anything but stand there and look festive. But then, it would have no real purpose, would it?

Other than the...looking festive part. To be honest, who really said that they needed to amp up the holiday cheer in the castle anyway? Not her. Not anyone studying for NEWTs, that was for sure. They could have had a really nice and quiet Santa decoration. It didn't need to shake it's hips and do a sort of waddle every single time a person passed in and out of the library. It didn't need to have a voice box that howled Christmas carols--a sound that could rival strangled cats--in an off-tune off-beat manner.

She thought that it was just to bother her. No, she knew it was just to bother her.

She hated that Santa.

It. would. not. shut. up.

To make matters worse, Madam Pince treated this Santa like it was her unborn child. Madam Pince absolutely adored her decoration and, in Lily's opinion, the bird lady may as well be having an affair with the plastic, jolly, fat man. They shared the same type of love that Filch shared with his cat, Lily decided, and if he could get away with what seemed to be beastiality, then Madam Pince could probably get away with having a crush on a singing-dancing Santa.

The object of her hatred smiled mockingly at her as he waddled his hips and twinkled his eyes in a very Christmas-y manner as she entered the library, serenading her with "Let it Snow". She considered kicking the Santa if it were not that Madam Pince had excitedly clapped her hands and rushed over to watch the show.

"Isn't it simply adorable?" Madam Pince looked adoringly at the Santa. "It sounds so fantastic."

"Yeah. He's a regular Stubby Boardman." Lily rolled her eyes, and in that instant, about fifty different ways to kill that Santa popped into her head. Her favorite involved dull hedgeclippers.

"Let it snow let it snow let it snow..."

"Oh look and it's snowing outside!" Lily looked over at the enthused Madam Pince with raised eyebrows.

'Yes, Madam Pince. You're exactly right. The Serenading Santa that has a programmed song-storage of about 8 different Christmas tunes has supremacy over the weather."

Madam Pince narrowed her already beady eyes and scrunched up her face. Lily knew that she was about to receive a telling-off and she couldn't care. She sighed and didn't listen as Madam Pince called her everything from a "rapscallion" to a "unappreciative teenager" and settled down at her usual table in the library, opening her Transfiguration book and pulling out a blank piece of parchment.

Five minutes later, she still hadn't written a single word.

The Santa was watching her. Therefore, she couldn't concentrate.

She was going to fail Transfiguration because of a fucking Santa.

No. No. It just wasn't going to happen.

She glared up at the red-suited, four foot tall replication of the Christmas Delivery man. The rosy cheeks, the patent leather boots, the twinkle in his eye, the jolly way he danced.

That bastard.

Something had to be done about this. Something. Anything.

Her eyes darted to Madam Pince, her mind forming a plan quickly. Madam Pince's eyes were, unfortunately, still locked on the redhead. Lily worked hard on looking innocent, but to no avail. She was the target that Madam Pince would monitor for the day. Shit.

She stared down Madam Pince.

Madam Pince didn't break the eye contact.

"I think you're up to no good."

Astute observation from a woman who had a crush on a plastic four-foot man.

Lily rolled her eyes and put on her best smile. She was never a good liar, but hoped that all of her practice with sarcasm might pay off.

"Come on, Madam Pince, I'm Head Girl. More is expected of me. I would never." She widened her eyes in a manner that suggested that she had taken offense to the fact that Madam Pince even assumed she was capable of devious acts. Madam Pince stiffened.

"You're up to no good."

Lily rolled her eyes once more and was about to respond when the Santa started up again.

"Santa Claus is coming to town..."

Lily's head whipped in the direction of the person who set off the annoying Santa. They were an accomplice to her aggravation.

There was no one there. Huh. If the stupid Santa started singing on it’s own, Lily may have to kill herself. Madam Pince, deciding that the Santa was in fact triggered on its own, turned her beady eyes back to Lily. Lily heard faint snickering but didn’t bother looking up because the Santa was still chorusing—was it getting fainter? Maybe it was losing battery—and if she looked up, she would just feel another wave of aggravation due to the Santa.

You’re up to no good.”

Lily sighed wearily and massaged the bridge of her nose, trying to prevent an oncoming headache.

"You caught me, Madam Pince. I'm looking at porn. Gay porn, too. It's so explicit that I’m almost having trouble processing it."

Madam Pince turned fifteen different shades of red and nearly had a stroke.

Lily then had to explain for the remainder of her study time that she was joking and that she was not spaming her innocent mind with, what Madam Pince colorfully referred to as "Homosexual love-making".

It was then that the bird-like librarian sqwacked—another stroke almost followed. Lily looked up in alarm. The singing Santa was gone.


So there is a God.

And if looks could kill, Lily would have met him quite soon. Madam Pince, under the impression that the girl before her was the ultimate trouble-maker of the library, promptly threw her out stating that she couldnt come back in without the singing/dancing Santa, all while screaming about "perverted teenagers".

So there she was. On a mission to find the missing Singing Santa. Mostly because her stuff was still in the library and she hadn’t had any time to get it as she had been pushed out.


She went to the Great Hall, grabbing a small cup of soup that she planned to eat in her dorm. Perhaps she could lure the thieves in with...crap cafeteria food. Wonderful plan.

She took her Noodles wordlessly, turned around--


Directly into James Potter. Who was firing apologies at her at rapidfire pace.

"Lily, I'm so sorry, here let me help you."

Why was he apologizing? She didn't really care. He looked really good when he apologized though—

Except…not. Because he’s Potter. Right? Ignore that….

It was only then that she realized she had steaming hot water all over her hand. She looked over at her Cup of Noodles and realized that she should be screaming in pain right now. Her hand was reddening from the burn that she was sure to feel in the morning. Or outside of James’ presence…is there a reason that it made a difference?

James had quickly brought a water bottle over and pressed it against her sore hand.

"God, I didn't see you there, I'm really really sorry, Lily."

"James, relax, it's alright."

"Yeah but I feel really bad--"

"Seriously, Potter, chill out--"

"Want me to get you a new Cup of Noodles?"

"Nah, I'm--"

"I'm gonna get you a new one."


James reached for new soup, still keeping the cold water bottle on her sore hand. She flushed as she took it from him.

"So...other than getting near third degree burns, how’s your day been?" He flashed her a smile that made her loose her breath involuntarily. Stop it, it’s Potter! She smiled back.

"Pitiful, actually. Madam Pince just kicked me out of the library."

"For what?"

"Supposedly stealing her Santa and looking at Gay Porn."


"Supposedly was the key word in there, Jam."

"Oh, right." James looked down at her hand and furrowed his eyebrows. "But you didn’t steal the Santa."

"Yeah well she thinks I did. And I'm not allowed back in the library until I retrieve it."

James gave her another brilliant smile. "I think I can help with that."


"James, you're INSANE!" Lily brushed hair off her face and bit down on her lower lip. "We're dead."

"Please. She has no proof that either of us have the Santa. This is just...good fun."

"We're going to be expelled for this."

"For kidnapping a Santa?"

"Isn't there some kind of...11th commandment against something like that?"

James snorted as he made his way down the dark stairwell, flashlight in hand along with a bobbypin in his mouth. "Yeah. When Moses got the Commandments, number 1l was 'Thou shall not steal Santa from Crappy Librarians'."

"...It could happen," Lily mumbled, her defenses faltering.

"Live a little will you?"

"I may as well; we're dead when people figure out that we were responsible for this."

"They won't find out."

"You're a thief, James Potter."

"You're an accomplice."


Madam Pince was sorting through her desk when she tilted her head curiously to the side as she came upon a manila envelope with cut out letters from magazines addressing it to her.

Inside were photographs of her beloved ornament Santa blindfolded and holding a 'Help Me' sign on his lap.

Madam Pince:

We have your Santa. Give us ten galleons and leave it outside the janitors' closet on the third floor.

Don't try anything. Or the Santa gets it.

-Thiefs Anonymous


James and Lily waited in the girls bathroom after school right next to the janitor's closet.

"I feel like a woman in here," James complained.

"Shut up, you're going to get us caught." Lily shushed him, smiling as she watched the bird lady march around the corner.

James edged out of the bathroom, hiding behind the lockers. Apparently the perfume scent was too much for him to handle.

"James!" Lily hissed.


What happened next happened so quickly that she still wasn't sure that it was real. In one swift motion, James seized Lily, pressed her against the wall and kissed her fiercely. Just as she began to fall into the kiss, he pulled away and practically growled at Madam Pince.

"Do you mind? We came up here for privacy."

"Where's my Santa?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Madam Pince looked astutely from James to Lily, who both had innocent and curious expressions plastered to their faces.

"I think you're up to no good."

"Surprise surprise," Lily muttered, rolling her eyes to the ceiling.

"Now if you'll excuse us," James said pointedly.

"...I'll be watching you two."

"I really rather that you didn't. That's really strange." James widened his eyes. Madam Pince opened her mouth to say something but decided against it and marched back down the hall, turning the corner. As soon as she did, James exhaled in relief and grinned.

Lily stood still.

"That was...an interesting cover choice."

James turned towards her, immediately tense again. "Yeah well...I'm sorry if I..."

"No, don't be." She rectified quickly.




The Santa never made it back to Mrs. Payne. James and Lily never got their ten galleons probably because they scared away Madam Pince with their "cover".

But they didn't move from that spot against the lockers for quite a while.

Slowly, she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck as he did the same with his around her waist.

"Your heart's beating quite fast, y'know." James commented.

"I'm worried."

"Why?" He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"You're a thief James Potter." She admitted, shyly.

"So you’re afraid of what? That I can’t be trusted?"

Just that you…have a tendency to take things that don’t belong to you.”

Evans, you have stolen my heart a while ago—I suppose it would be only fair that I stole yours.”

"Guess so."

Her head was swimming as he kissed her again, but she made a mental note to check if there was a twelfth commandment against stealing hearts.

Tags: gift for harmonykat, round 3
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